Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Henry Emil Kandrup

Department of Astronomy and
Department of Physics and
Institute for Fundamental Theory
University of Florida
Gainesville, FL 32611

University of Florida offices:

SSRB (Space Science Research Building) 318
NPB (New Physics Building) 2155

Office Hours during the Academic Year:

Monday and Wednesday 9:30 - 10:30 in SSRB 318
or by appointment

E-mail -> kandrup@astro.ufl.edu
Telephone -> (904) 392-2052 (ext 232)
Facsimile -> (904) 392-5089

curriculum vitae:

( PostScript [89 Kb] )


Sweet Analyticks! Tis thou hast ravished me.

Das Unbeschreibliche, hier wird es getan...



Please visit the

Gravitational Astrophysics

homepage for more information about my ongoing research with graduate students and other collaborators!!!

Professional Data

Tenured Professor of Astronomy and Affiliated Professor of Physics, University of Florida (1997 - present)

CNRS Visiting Professor, Observatoire de Marseilles (Spring 1997)

Tenured Associate Professor, Department of Astronomy, University of Florida (1992 - 1997)

Affiliated Associate Professor, Department of Physics, University of Florida (1993 - 1997)

Assistant Professor, Department of Astronomy, University of Florida (1990 - 1992)

Member, Institute for Fundamental Theory, University of Florida (1990 - present)

Member, International Astronomical Union

Referee for: Annals of Physics, Astronomy and Astrophysics, Astrophysical Journal, Astrophysical Journal Letters, Chaos, Astrophysics and Space Science, Chaos, Classical and Quantum Gravity, General Relativity and Gravitation, Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society, Physical Review A, Physical Review D, Physical Review E, Physical Review Letters, Physics Letters A, Physics Letters B, Publications of the Astronomical Society of Japan

Published in: Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Annals of Physics, Astronomical and Astrophysical Transactions, Astronomical Society of the Pacific, Astronomy and Astrophysics, Astrophysical Journal, Astrophysics and Space Science, Celestial Mechanics and Dynamical Astronomy, Classical and Quantum Gravity Letters, Comments on Astrophysics, International Journal of Modenr Physics A, International Journal of Modern Physics Letters, International Journal of Theoretical Physics, Journal of Mathematical Physics, Monthly Notice of the Royal Astronomical Society, Oberwolfacher Tangungsberichte, Physica A, Physica D, Physical Review A, Physical Review D, Physical Review E, Physics Letters A, Physics Letters B, Physics Reports, Proceedings of Leningrad State University

Education and Past Experience

A. B. in Physics from Princeton University (1976)

Ph. D in Physics from University of Chicago (1980)

1980 - 1982: Postdoc and Lecturer, Department of Physics, University of California, Santa Barbara

1982 - 1984: Robert A. Welch Foundation Fellow, Center for Relativity and Center for Statistical Mechanics, University of Texas, Austin

Autumn 1984: CNRS Visiting Research Scientist, Institut d'Astrophysique de Paris and Observatoire de Meudon

1984 - 1986: Research Fellow, Center for Theoretical Physics, University of Maryland, College Park

1986 - 1988: Visiting Assistant Professor, Department of Physics, Syracuse University

1989 - 1990: Assistant Professor, Department of Physics, Oakland University

Teaching Activities

Courses taught at the University of Florida:

Graduate Course: Galactic and Extragalactic Astronomy I (AST 6309, a required graduate core course in the Department of Astronomy offered once every two years). This course is based loosely on parts of four books, Dynamics of Galaxies, by Bertin, Galactic Astronomy, by Mihalas and Binney, Galactic Astronomy, by Binney and Merrifield, and Galactic Dynamics, by Binney and Tremaine

Graduate Course: Cosmology (AST 6416, an elective graduate course in the Department of Astronomy, also crosslisted in Physics, offered once every two years). This course is based on portions of Principles of Physical Cosmology, by P. J. E. `Jim' Peebles. My lecture notes are available online as Slightly Mathematical Cosmology at www.astro.ufl.edu/~siopis/papers.

Graduate Course: Galactic and Extragalactic Astronomy II (an elective graduate core course in the Department of Astronomy, is currently listed as AST 7939 -- Special Topics). In the past, this course has been team taught in collaboration with Haywood Smith, Stephen Gottesman, and James Hunter from the Department of Astronomy. Upon request, my portion can be offered as Individual Work -- AST 6905 -- or research -- AST 6910, 7979, or 7980. My lecture notes are available online as Theoretical Techniques of Modern Galactic Dynamics at www.astro.ufl.edu/~siopis/papers.

Undergraduate Course: Exploring the Universe (AST 2039: an overview of cosmology for nonscientists) My lecture notes are available online as Conversational Cosmology at www.astro.ufl.edu/~siopis/papers.

Graduate Seminar Course: Nonlinear Dynamics (This was offered informally in Spring 1994 and attended by seven students from Astronomy and Physics who worked through the first six chapters of Lichtenberg and Lieberman's Regular and Chaotic Dynamics). Upon request, this can be offered as Individual Work -- AST 6905 -- or research -- AST 6910, 7979, or 7980.)

Teaching Awards and Citations:

In 1994, Henry Kandrup was awarded a University of Florida Teaching Improvement Program Award (a $5000 per year salary increase) in recognition of his teaching abilities -- yippey, hurrah!!! (couldn't happen to a nicer guy!!!!) Sample Exam Question: assuming a 20% net tax rate, how many bottles of Sam Adams will this salary increase buy? what about Bass? Newcastle? How are these numbers alterred if George Dubya is elected and the US slips into another recession?

Henry Kandrup's Introductory Astronomy Courses at Syracuse University were cited in Lisa Birnbach's New and Improved College Book (New York, Prentice Hall, 1990) as ``Recommended Courses.''

Henry Kandrup was designated a ``Gateway Faculty Member'' at Syracuse University for excellence in undergraduate teaching (1988).

Henry Kandrup received a special citation at the University of California, Santa Barbara for excellence in graduate teaching (1982).

Henry Kandrup received a special citation at the University of Chicago for excellence in undergraduate teaching (1977).

Research Interests

Gravitational physics, relativistic astrophysics, nonlinear dynamics, quantum gravity, modeling of complex systems, experimental fluid mechanics, creative utilisation of playdough, margaritas, and spirographs in graduate and undergraduate teaching (Question: use elementary concepts from topology to determine what types of orbits in conservative two-dimensional potentials can -- and cannot -- be constructed using a spirograph.)

Henry Kandrup is currently working with one postdoc, Reva K. Williams, from the Department of Astronomy and the Institute for Fundamental Theory at the University of Florida. He is also supervising two physics students -- Ilya V. Pogorelov and Eric O'Neill -- and three astronomy students -- John Drury, Barbara L. Eckstein and Ioannis Sideris.

Christos Siopis received his Ph. D. in Astronomy in December 1998 and is currently a visitor at the Observatoire de Marseille where he is using the GRAPE computer facility to extend his dissertation research. Another member of the group, David E. Willmes received his Ph. D. in Physics in December 1995, and is currently making big bucks, working as a Systems Analyist in Melbourne, Florida. For further information about the activities of Henry Kandrup and his students and collaborators, please see the entry for the Gravitational Astrophysics Group, Department of Astronomy, University of Florida.

Recent confirmation of the gravothermal catastrophe in globular clusters, which reflects an instability of all self-gravitating systems (cf. J. R. Ipser and H. E. Kandrup, Astrophysical Journal 241, 1141 [1980])

Recent Activities

Participant at Aspen Center for Physics: 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1995, 1997, 1998, 1999

Invited Speaker: Second International Conference on Gravitation and Cosmology, Ahmedabad, India, December 1991, ``Nonviolent Relaxation of Colliding Galaxies''

Invited Speaker: Workshop on Ergodic Concepts in Stellar Dynamics, Universite de Geneve, March 1993, ``Ergodic Properties of the N-Body Problem''

Invited Speaker: International Conference on Mathematical Methods in Studying the Structure and Dynamics of Gravitating Systems, Petrozavodsk, Russia, June 1993 -- two invited talks: (1) ``Stochastic Properties of the Gravitational N-Body Problem'' and (2) ``Collisional Relaxation in a Nonintegrable Mean Field Potential''

Invited Plenary Speaker: Seventh International Marcel Grossmann Meeting, Stanford University, July 1994, ``Chaos, Regularity, and Noise in Self-Gravitating Systems''

Invited Speaker: International Conference on Structure and Evolution of Stellar Systems, Petrozavodsk, Russia, August 1995, ``Structural Stability of Galactic Models towards Low Amplitude Perturbations''

Invited Speaker: Los Alamos Workshop on Nonequilibrium Phase Transitions, Santa Fe, New Mexico, August 1996: ``Implications and Limitations of Gravitational Mean Field Theory''

Invited Plenary Speaker: International Conference on Galaxy Dynamics, Rutgers University, August 1998: ``Collisionless Relaxation of Stellar Systems''

Invited Speaker: Workshop on Nonlinear Equations in Many-Particle Systems, Mathematische Forschungsinstitut Oberwolfach, Germany, December 1999: ``Phase Space Transport in Noisy Hamiltonian Systems''

Invited Speaker: Stellar Dynamics: From Classic to Modern, Saint Petersburg State University, Russia, August 2000: ``Chaotic Mixing in Galactic Dynamics''

Invited Speaker and Member, Scientific Organising Committee: Observational Manifestations of Chaos in Astronomical Objects, Moscow State University, Russia, August 2000: ``Observational Signatures of Chaos in Real Galaxies''

Co-Organiser: Eighth Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, February 1993, ``Stochastic Processes in Astrophysics''

Co-Organiser: Ninth Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, October 1993, ``Three-Dimensional Systems''

Co-Organiser: Eleventh Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, November 1995, ``Nonlinear Signal and Image Analysis''

Co-Organiser: Twelvth Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, February 1997, ``Long Range Order in Astrophysical Systems''

Co-Organiser: Thirteenth Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, February 1998, ``Nonlinear Dynamics and Chaos in Astrophysics''

Co-Organiser: Fourteenth Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, February 1999, ``Astrophysical Turbulence and Convection ''

Co-Organiser: Fifteenth Florida Workshop on Nonlinear Astronomy, February 2000, ``The Onset of Nonlinearity''

C.N.R.S. Visiting Professor, Observatoire de Marseille, in May 1997

Recent Collaborators, etc.

Robert A. Abernathy, ex-graduate student in Department of Astronomy, University of Florida: work on short time characterisations of stochasticity in complex phase spaces admiting a coexistence of regular and chaotic orbits

Evangelia Athanasoula, faculty at the Observatoire de Marseilles: a collaboration investigating the stability of cuspy and/or triaxial galactic models constructed using Schwarzschild's method

Brendan O. Bradley, graduate student in Department of Mathematics, University of New Mexico: work on short time characterisations of stochasticity in complex phase spaces admiting a coexistence of regular and chaotic orbits (Brendan received an M. S. in Astronomy from the University of Florida in 1995)

Salman Habib, staff member in Theoretical Division, Los Alamos National Laboratory: work on several topics, including the role of friction and noise in modeling self-gravitating systems

M. Elaine Mahon, ex-postdoc at the University of Florida: work on a variety of topics in theoretical galactic dynamics, notably the possible implications of chaos in self-gravitating systems

Katja Lindenberg, professor in the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry, University of California, San Diego: the effects of weak novel noise (e.g., multiplicative or non-Gaussian) on phase space transport in complex Hamiltonian systems admitting a coexistence of regular and chaotic orbits

Antonello Provenzale, faculty at the Istituto di Cosmogeofisica in Torino, Italy: a collaboration investigating the manifestations and implications of chaos in Hamiltonian systems which manifest a time-dependence of the form encountered in cosmology and quantum field theory in the early Universe

Prasenjit Saha, postdoc at Mount Stromlo Observatory in Australia: work on the application of Hamiltonian techniques to gravitational lensing

David E. Willmes, ex-student in Department of Physics, University of Florida: wrote a dissertation on shadowing in dynamical systems (David received a Ph. D. in Physics from the University of Florida in 1995. He is currently making big bucks, working as a Systems Analyist in Melbourne, Florida.


Books Written and Edited

J. Robert Buchler and Henry E. Kandrup, editors, ``Stochastic Processes in Astrophysics,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Vol. 706 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup, Stephen Gottesman, and James R. Ipser, editors, ``Three-Dimensional Systems,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Vol. 751 (1995)

J. Robert Buchler and Henry E. Kandrup, editors, ``Nonlinear Image and Signal Analysis,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Vol. 808 (1996)

J. Robert Buchler, James W. Dufty, and Henry E. Kandrup, editors, ``Long Range Correlations in Astrophysical Systems,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Vol. 848 (1998)

J. Robert Buchler, Stephen Gottesman, James H. Hunter, and Henry E. Kandrup, editors, ``Nonlinear Dynamics and Chaos in Astrophysics,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Vol. 868 (1998)

J. Robert Buchler and Henry E. Kandrup, editors, ``Astrophysical Turbulence and Convection,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, Vol. 898 (2000).

J. Robert Buchler, James N. Fry, and Henry E. Kandrup, editors, ``The Onset of Nonlinearity,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, in preparation.

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Theoretical Techniques in Modern Galactic Dynamics,'' unpublished set of 12 lectures plus one appendix, aimed at the advanced graduate student, second 1996 edition, approx. 105 pp.

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Conversational Cosmology,'' unpublished set of 40 lectures aimed at the nonscientist, third 2000 edition, approx. 250 pp.

Refereed Publications since 1994

Henry E. Kandrup amd M. Elaine Mahon, ``Stochastic Processes and the Gravitational N-Body Problem,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 706, 81 - 99 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup and David E. Willmes, ``Collisional Relaxation in a Nonintegrable Mean Field Potential,'' Astronomy and Astrophysics 283, 59 - 66 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup and M. Elaine Mahon, ``Relaxation and Stochasticity in a Truncated Toda Lattice,'' Physical Review E 49, 3735 - 3747 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup, M. Elaine Mahon, and Haywood Smith, Jr., ``Global Stability of Spherical Polytropes,'' Physical Review E 49, 3757 - 3760 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup and Eric O'Neill, ``Hamiltonian Structure of the Vlasov-Einstein System for Generic Collisionless Systems and the Problem of Stability, Physical Review D 49, 5115 - 5125 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup, M. Elaine Mahon, and Haywood Smith, Jr., ``On the Sensitivity of the N-Body Problem to Small Changes in Initial Conditions,'' Astrophysical Journal 428, 458 - 465 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Reduced Hamiltonian Descriptions,'' Physical Review D 50, 2425 - 2430 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup and M. Elaine Mahon, ``Short Times Characterisations of Stochasticity in Nonintegrable Galactic Potentials,'' Astronomy and Astrophysics 290, 762 - 770 (1994)

Henry E. Kandrup and M. Elaine Mahon, ``Chaos and Noise in Galactic Dynamics,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 751, 93 - 111 (1995)

Christos V. Siopis, George Contopoulos, and Henry E. Kandrup, ``Escape Probabilities from a Hamiltonian with Two Escape Channels,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 751, 205 - 212 (1995)

Henry E. Kandrup, Robert A. Abernathy, and Brendan O. Bradley, ``Resonant Driving of Chaotic Orbits,'' Physical Review E 51, 5287 - 5297 (1995)

M. Elaine Mahon, Robert A. Abernathy, Brendan O. Bradley, and Henry E. Kandrup, ``Transient Ensemble Dynamics in Time-Independent Galactic Potentials,'' Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society 275, 443 - 453 (1995)

Henry E. Kandrup, Robert A. Abernathy, M. Elaine Mahon, and Brendan O. Bradley, ``Chaos and Order in Time-Periodic Potentials and the Problem of Structural Stability,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 773, 168 - 188 (1995)

Christos V. Siopis, Henry E. Kandrup, George Contopoulos, and Rudolf Dvorak, ``Universal Properties of Escape,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 773, 221 - 230 (1995)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Stochastic Processes of the Gravitational N-Body Problem,'' Astronomical and Astrophysical Transactions 7, 225 - 228 (1995)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Collisional Relaxation in a Nonintegrable Mean Field Potential,'' Astronomical and Astrophysical Transactions 7, 229 - 231 (1995)

Ilya V. Pogorelov and Henry E. Kandrup, ``Anisotropic Distribution Functions for Relativistic Galactic Nuclei,'' Physical Review E 53, 1375 - 1381 (1996)

Salman Habib, Henry E. Kandrup, and M. Elaine Mahon, ``Chaos and Noise in a Truncated Toda Potential,'' Physical Review E 53, 5473 - 5476 (1996)

Henry E. Kandrup and Barbara L. Eckstein, ``Transitional Dynamics of Chaotic Galactic Orbits,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 808, 139 - 159 (1996)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Chaos, Regularity, and Noise in Self-Gravitating Systems,'' Proceedings of the Seventh International Marcel Grossmann Meeting, edited by R. T. Jantzen and G. Mac Keiser, World Scientific, Singapore, 167 - 182 (1996)

Henry E. Kandrup, Barbara L Eckstein, and Brendan O. Bradley, ``Chaos, Complexity, and Short Time Lyapunov Exponents,'' Astronomy and Astrophysics 320, 65 - 73 (1997)

Salman Habib, Henry E. Kandrup, and M. Elaine Mahon, ``Chaos and Noise in Galactic Potentials,'' Astrophysical Journal 480, 155 - 166 (1997)

Christos V. Siopis, Henry E. Kandrup, George Contopoulos, and Rudolf Dvorak, ``Universal Properties of Escape in Dynamical Systems,'' Celestial Mechanics 65, 57 - 68 (1997)

Henry E. Kandrup, Barbara L. Eckstein, and Brendan O. Bradley, ``Chaos, Complexity, and Short Time Lyapunov Exponents,'' Astronomy and Astrophysics 320, 65 - 73 (1997)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Structural Stability of Orbits in Galactic Models towards Low Amplitude Perturbations,'' Proceedings of the International Conference on Structure and Evolution of Stellar Systems, edited by T. A. Agekian, A. A. Mullhari, and V. V. Orlov, St. Petersburg University, St. Petersburg, Russia, 245 - 247 (1997)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Geometric Approach to Chaos in Two-Dimensional Hamiltonian Systems,'' Physical Review E 56, 2722 - 2732 (1997)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Collisionless Relaxation in Galactic Dynamics and the Evolution of Long Range Order,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 848, 28 - 47 (1998)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Violent Relaxation, Phase Mixing, and Gravitational Landau Damping,'' Astrophysical Journal 500, 120 - 128 (1998).

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Invariant Distributions and Collisionless Equilibria,'' Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society 299, 1139 - 1145 (1998)

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Phase Mixing in Time-Independent Hamiltonian Systems,'' Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society 301, 960 - 974 (1998).

Christos Siopis, Barbara L. Eckstein, and Henry E. Kandrup, ``Orbital Complexity, Short Time Lyapunov Exponents, and Phase Space Transport in Time-Dependent Hamiltonian Systems,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 867, 41 - 60 (1998).

Henry E. Kandrup and John Drury, ``Chaos in Cosmological Hamiltonians,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 867 (1998) 306 - 320 (1998).

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Phase Space Transport in Noisy Hamiltonian Systems,'' Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 867 (1998) 321 - 333 (1998).

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Collisionless Relaxation of Stellar Systems,'' Rutgers Conference on Galaxy Dynamics, edited by D. Merritt, M. Valluri, and J. A. Sellwood, ASP Conf. Proceedings 182, 197 - 208 (1999).

Henry E. Kandrup, Christos Siopis, George Contopoulos, and Rudolf Dvorak, ``Diffusion and Scaling in Escapes from Two-Dimensional Hamiltonian Systems,'' Chaos 9, 381 - 392 (1999).

Ilya V. Pogorelov and Henry E. Kandrup, Noise-Induced Phase Space Transport in Two-Dimensional Hamiltonian Systems.'' Physical Review E 60, 1567 - 1578 (1999).

Henry E. Kandrup, Ilya V. Pogorelov, and Ioannis V. Sideris, ``Chaotic Mixing in Noisy Hamiltonian Systems,'' Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society 311, 719 - 732 (2000).

Henry E. Kandrup, Ilya V. Pogorelov, and Ioannis V. Sideris, ``Phase Space Transport in a Noisy Hamiltonian System,'' Oberwolfacher Tagungsberichte, in press (2000).

Christos Siopis and Henry E. Kandrup, ``Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Dehnen ... But Were Afraid to Ask,'' Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society, submitted (2000).

In Preparation:

Henry E. Kandrup and Ioannis V. Sideris, ``In What Sense Is the N-Body Problem Chaotic?''

Henry E. Kandrup and Ioannis V. Sideris, ``Chaos in Cuspy Triaxial Galaxies with a Supermassive Black Hole.''

Ioannis V. Sideris and Henry E. Kandrup, ``Chaos in the N-Body Problem in the Presence of a Supermassive Black Hole.''

Henry E. Kandrup, ``Chaotic Mixing in Galactic Dynamics.''

Henry E. Kandrup, Ilya V. Pogorelov, Ioannis V. Sideris, and Christos Siopis, ``Dynamics of Cuspy Triaxial Galaxies with a Supermassive Black Hole.''

First Author Citations by Astronomers and Astrophysicists at the University of Florida

Name -- (Department - Species) - Number in 1994 (not including self-citations)

Charles M. Telesco ..... (Astronomy - Observer) .....................116

James N. Fry .............. (Physics - Theorist) ........................... 86

J. Robert Buchler ........ (Physics - Theorist) ........................... 68

Henry E. Kandrup ........ (Astronomy - Theorist) .......................61

Robert E. Wilson ......... (Astronomy - Other) ...........................54

James R. Ipser............ (Physics - Theorist) ........................... 37

Stanley F. Dermott ........(Astronomy - Theorist) ...................... 32

Humberto Campins ........ (Astronomy - Observer) .....................29

Heinrich K. Eichhorn ..... (Astronomy - Theorist) ......................22

James H. Hunter .......... (Astronomy - Theorist) ..................... 12

Steven L. Detweiler ...... (Physics - Theorist)............................ 9

Bo. A. S. Gustafson ...... (Astronomy - Theorist) ........................8

Stephen T. Gottesman ... (Astronomy - Observer) ...................... 5

Alexander G. Smith ....... (Astronomy - Observer) ...................... 4

Robert J. Leacock ....... (Astronomy - Observer) .......................3

Haywood Smith, Jr. . ..... (Astronomy - Theorist) ....................... 3

Kwan Yu Chen ............. (Astronomy - Observer) .......................0

Howard L. Cohen ........ (Astronomy - Observer)........................ 0

George R. Lebo .......... (Astronomy - Observer)........................ 0

John P. Oliver ............. (Astronomy - Observer)........................ 0

Carl N. Olsson ............ (Astronomy - Observer).........................0

-------------------------------

Thomas D. Carr .......... (Retired - Observer) ...........................14



Pot Pouri

Thinkers Anonymous:

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than a social thinker. I began to think alone -- ``to relax,'' I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job! I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka, Kuhn, and quantum field theory. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking ``What is it exactly we are doing here?''

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the Chair called me in. He said, ``I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job.'' This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the Chair. ``Honey,'' I confessed, ``I've been thinking...'' ``I know you've been thinking,'' she said, ``and I want a divorce.'' ``But honey, surely it's not that serious.'' ``It is serious,'' she said, lips aquiver. ``You think so much you'll never get a grant. And without a grant we'll never have a decent income.'' ``I know, but what can I do,'' I responded impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough! ``I'm going to the library,'' I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche or Wittgenstein. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ... they didn't open. The library was closed because of a football game. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. ``Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?'' it asked. You probably recognise the line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video: last week it was an HST animation; next week it will be Porky's. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seems ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Favorite Movies:

Le Grande Illusion, Duck Soup, Casablanca, The Seventh Seal, Dr. Strangelove, Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, Addams Family -- The Movie

Favorite Albums/CD's:

Abbey Road, The Big Chill, Blind Faith, Bridge Over Troubled Water, Cheap Thrills, Dark Side of the Moon, Deja Vu, Desire, Four Bitchin' Babes, Vol I, It's Like You Never Left, Miles in the Sky, Mr. Fantasy, Pangaea, Tapestry, Hank William's Greatest Hits, Woodstock

Karl Bohm's recording of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (gloriouser and gloriouser)

Felix Weingartner's recording of Beethoven's Third Symphony

Herbert van Karajan's recording of Beethoven's Seventh Symphony

Favorite Beers:

Abbott's Ale, Bass, Newcastle, Sam Adams Cream Stout, Whitbread, any dark homebrew from The Flying Dog brewpub in Aspen

Favorite Twentieth Century Authors:

Margaret Atwood, Mikhail Bulgakov, Joseph Campbell, Robertson Davies, Guenther Grass, Jaroslav Hasek, Franz Kafka, Milan Kundera, Heinrich Mann, Mishima Yukio, Marge Piercy, Tom Robbins, Hunter S. Thompson (the real HST), J. R. R. Tolkien, Kurt Vonnegut, Virginia Woolf

Favorite Places:

Amsterdam, Aspen (during the off season), Copenhagen, Washington (DC)



America: The only country where failing to exaggerate one's accomplishments is considered a form of arrogance.