Colonel Mustard: And are you the host?
Wadsworth: Me, sir? No, I'm just the humble butler.
Colonel Mustard: And what exactly is it you do here?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous! If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?!
Mrs. White: It's a matter of life after death, now that he's dead I have a life.
Colonel Mustard: Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
Miss Scarlet: Sure. I'll eat anything.
Wadsworth: I can explain everything...
Cop: You don't have to.
Wadsworth: I don't?
Cop: No, there's nothing illegal about any of this.
Wadsworth: Are you sure?
Cop: Of course, this is America!
Wadsworth: I see...
Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that?
Wadsworth: I didn't know it was THAT free!
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared.
White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Wadsworth: [Shouting] I'M NOT SHOUTING! ALL RIGHT, I AM! I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUT - [Candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Col. Mustard: That's right!
Prof. Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?
Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
Prof. Plum: Is there going to be a cover up?
Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?
Prof. Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murders?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died.
Colonel Mustard: Two corpses, everything's fine.
Wadsworth: Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.
Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everyone else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?
Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is no body else in this house?
Wadsworth: Ummm, no.
Col. Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?
Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said no meaning yes.
Col. Mustard: No meaning yes? Look I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there? Yes or no?
Wadsworth: Ummm, no.
Col. Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?
Wadsworth: Yes.
Miss Scarlett: Why has the car stopped?
Professor Plum: It's frightened.